Hurricane season is once again upon us. All the local newspapers, TV’s and radio stations are running PSAs (Public Service Announcements) advising everyone to stock up now and be prepared. This year I have a new hurricane strategy which requires no advanced preparation. I’ve found that the best time to prepare for the hurricane is while the hurricane is actually in progress.

Many people around here are proactive and stock up on canned goods, flashlights, batteries, and bottled water. They also rush to the lumber store to buy plywood to cover their windows and make other assorted physical preparations. We still have all our plywood from last year and the hurricane shutters are still intact. The rest of the preparations can wait until after the storm arrives. Here is my hurricane plan:

Winds reach 25 - 50 MPH: The Andie and Mike Hurricane team snaps into action. Preparations begin by retrieving plywood from the storage shed and attaching it to the house. This task should always be first as it becomes rather difficult to manage a large sheet of plywood once winds exceed 50 miles per hour.

Winds reach 50 to 60 MPH: We have a little generator that can power one or two major appliances at a time. The generator will need fuel so I’ll start siphoning gas from one of the cars.

Winds at 75 MPH: The power will go out soon. The generator will only be capable of operating one of the two refrigerators in the house. We won’t want to drink warm beer during a hurricane so we’ll begin eating all the perishables in the main refrigerator. Our eating binge should progress in the order in which food items will deteriorate. We’ll start with the ice cream, working through the freezer and refrigerator until we’ve consumed the items that perish more slowly such as catsup and pickles. The important thing here is that we consume everything. Comfort, nutrition and taste are secondary during natural disasters.

Winds at 85 MPH: The power is now out so we’ll take a nap after our big meal.

Winds at 95 MPH: Something outside will break, fall on the house, or otherwise hit the house. This will wake us from our nap. …We’ll probably be hungry… A quick inventory of the remaining food items in the house will reveal a box of corn meal, a stale box of crackers and a can of tomato sauce. In situations like these it is always best to eat the good stuff first. We can get a little “chips and salsa” thing going with the tomato sauce and crackers. I’m thinking the hurricane could stop any second so why eat the corn meal first. Just in case, I’ll hold back a couple of beers to wash it down. We don’t want a situation like they had in that blizzard-mountain-plane-crash-movie where they started eating each other so the corn meal plays an important role. I figure if things really get desperate, we can also look under the couch cushions.

Winds at 105 MPH: I’m still thinking this should all just blow over. The dogs have been hiding in the closet for the past hour. I’m beginning to wonder if they know something we don’t. Animals are strange in that way. Its getting pretty dark. Since we didn’t stock up on batteries, I’ve gone into McGyver mode and wrapped a bunch of Scotch tape around a couple of AA batteries we removed from the caller ID. They’re now thick enough to use in a flashlight designed for “D” size batteries so we’ll have light for another 10 minutes. When the storm blows over, I’ll have to get some more Scotch tape.

The Eye: Things get pretty calm during the eye of the storm. This is a great opportunity to risk your life by going outside to look around. It’s always interesting to see what has changed in your neighborhood. As we look around, we see a ferryman in a black fraternity hooded toga standing ready at the river which was once our street. He’s wearing one of those sticky paper name badges … “Hello my name is Charon” and he’s leaning against a sign that says “River Styx Boat Rides – 1/6th drachma.” He’s talking on a cell phone probably to his wife who is asking him to stop by the store to pick up a few things on his way home from work. We decide to skip the river ride since the rope he’s using to pull the boat across the river is actually a downed power line. Before going back inside, we stick a bucket under the downspout to collect some water to flush the toilet.

The wet side of the storm: The back side of a hurricane usually brings a lot of rain. The wind is not as bad but it sure does get wet. Since we’re pretty much in the home stretch, we’ll drink the rest of the beer. The rain has made it pretty humid in the house. We’ll eventually have to turn off the second refrigerator so we can use the last few ounces of generator fuel to run the air conditioner to remove some of the humidity.

As you can see, hurricane preparation is largely a mental activity. Sometimes just thinking about hurricanes is enough. I figure this journal posting is all the hurricane preparation I’ll need this year.